Roll for Republic
Critical Successes, Catastrophic Egos, and the Invention of Governance
What happens when Washington tanks, Jefferson casts from the Void, Hamilton steals the Initiative, and Gouverneur Morris carries the Charisma Check for all of Faerûn?
In this essay I explain early American politics by pretending the Founders are Adventurers — and somehow it works.
If you spend enough Time reading the Founders’ Letters and Diaries (and more Time than is strictly healthy reading Gouverneur Morris), certain Patterns emerge. Washington broods and commands. Jefferson theorizes from the astral Plane. Hamilton sprints into Danger because he saw a Shadow and assumed it owed him Money. And Morris talks everyone into Compliance and then goes Home early.
In other Words:
They are a Dungeons & Dragons Party waiting to happen.
So, for comic Relief — and perhaps because D&D sometimes is the only Framework large enough to contain these Men — I present:
the Founders as RPG Archetypes.
Character Sheets
🛡️⚖️ GEORGE WASHINGTON
Paladin (Oath of Duty) / Fighter
Race: Human
Class: Oath of Devotion Paladin (primary) / Battle Master Fighter (secondary)
Alignment: Lawful Neutral becoming Lawful Good
Why
Washington is the classic “Lawful Good, but exhausted about it.” The Man radiates Paladin energy — duty, restraint, moral weight, a Code he clings to even when it cracks his Spine. But he’s also pure martial Discipline, and complete Disregard of anybody else’s Values (including Morris’ anti-Slavery-Stance for an Example) — hence the Fighter Levels.
He’s the Guy at the Table who deflects everyone else’s emotional Load, being too deep in his own Head about his own Grandeu—sorry, Strategies. Never rolls above a 10 on Charisma or below 15 on Constitution, and quietly cleans up the Mess when the Bard sets Something on fire.
Backstory
A perfectly sculpted Tower of Responsibility.
Has a familiar Pigeon that returns Constitutional Gossip.
Strengths
• Action Surge: Writes six Letters at once
• Leadership Aura: +2 Morale to everyone except Jefferson
• Fearless Presence: Only works on Enemies; Party Members still terrify him
• Regret: Constant
Weaknesses
• His own moral Expectations
• Hamilton
• Being perceived
Inventory
• Magic Breeches that give him +4 Diplomacy (he hates them, they’re scratchy)
• A Cloak that hides emotional Turmoil
• Letters he never sends
His Role in the Party
• Tank
• Leader
• Human Tylenol
• Last Line of Sanity
• Keeps a Hand permanently on Hamilton’s Shoulder like it’s a Leash
🪄🏛️ THOMAS JEFFERSON
Wizard (Enchanter / Diviner)
Race: High Elf
Class: Wizard (School of Enchantment with a Sprinkle of Divination)
Alignment: Neutral Something (the Dice Wobble)
Why
Jefferson is the ultimate “intellectual arcane Caster who forgets to eat.” High Elf fits the scholarly Arrogance, the aesthetic Fussiness, the “I wrote a 20-Page Essay about my Feelings at 3 a.m.” Vibe.
Enchanter because:
• he talks People into Things
• he woos with Letters, Illusions, and Idealism
• he is more comfortable with Theory than Conflict
Divination fits his Obsession with Plans, Systems, and future Republics — but also his spectacular blind Spots.
He’s the Wizard who prepares 18 Spells per Day and still never picks the right ones.
Backstory
Academically brilliant, spiritually tangled, morally… complicated.
Did NOT ask for this D&D Party and would like to speak to the Dungeon Master.
Strengths
• Ritual Casting: Writes Spells that take 3 Days
• Prestidigitation: Changes his Outfit Color depending on who he’s arguing with
• Philosophical Smite: Gives Enemies existential Crises
Weaknesses
• Reality
• Consequences
• Morris’ raised Eyebrow
Inventory
• A portable writing Desk
• A Spellbook that is 90% Marginalia
• A hypocritical passive-aggressive Amulet
His Role in the Party
• Over-prepares Spell Lists
• Under-prepares for Reality
• Tries to “intellectualize” Traps
• Keeps a Notebook of Things Hamilton said that personally offended him
• Cannot roll above a 7 on Perception, ever
⚔️⚡ ALEXANDER HAMILTON
Bard (College of Whispers) / Rogue (Swashbuckler)
Race: Tiefling
Class: College of Swords Bard/ Swashbuckler Rogue
Alignment: Chaotic Productivity
Why
Hamilton has “charismatic Damage-Dealer with tragic Backstory and too many Opinions” written all over him. Tiefling fits the Outsider Energy, the Firestorm Temper, and the “walks into a Tavern and someone throws a Drink before he even speaks” Aura.
Bard (Swords) because:
• he performs
• he duels
• he monologues People into Submission
• he overuses Bonus Actions
Rogue (Swashbuckler) because:
• he lives for high-Risk, high-Drama Moves
• he literally gets sneak-attacked in Politics
• he fights like he sings — fast, flashy, deeply personal
His flaw Trait is “Advantage on every Check until someone says ‘calm down.’”
Backstory
Exhausting, dazzling, catastrophically effective. Even goes to Bed Duel-ready. The DM fears him.
Strengths
• Cutting Words: Does psychic damage
• Burst Inspiration: Gives each Teammate 3 Advantage Dice per long Rest (but shames them for not “hustling”)
• Sneak Attack: Mostly emotional
Weaknesses
• His own Mouth (should talk less, smile more)
• Anyone trying to help him
• Life
Inventory
• A Quill that never runs out
• A Deck of Pamphlets with scandalous Rumors
• Debt
His Role in the Party
• The Cause of every Combat
• The Cause of every Negotiation turning into Combat
• The Cause of every long Rest being interrupted
• Charisma so high he talks his Way out of Murder Attempts he initiated
• Steals the Gold Morris is counting “just to see if he notices”
📜🪶 GOUVERNEUR MORRIS
Bard (College of Eloquence) / Cleric (Knowledge Domain)
Race: Half-Elf (NOT because of Looks — because of dual Identity, Adaptability, and social Code-Switching)
Class: Bard, College of Eloquence with a Dip in Knowledge Cleric
Alignment: Chaotic Good with Self-Loathing
Why
Gouverneur’s a Textbook Eloquence Bard — the Subclass literally built for Charm, Wit, Rhetoric, Diplomacy, and making People fall in Love with a single well-placed Phrase. That’s Morris to the Bone.
But he isn’t just the silver-tongued Diplomat.
He’s also the Man who learns from every Library, observes every Room, journals like a medieval Monk, and pulls moral Philosophy straight out of the Ether.
That’s the Knowledge Domain Cleric:
• the Person who seeks truth
• analyzes everything
• holds moral Tension like a sacred Duty
• understands the Cost of Wisdom
And Half-Elf?
Because he lives between Worlds:
• Aristocrat and Republican
• Skeptic and Believer
• Lover and Moralist
• Observer and Participant
He is literally built for multiclass social Encounters with Disadvantage on saving Throws against Melancholy.
Backstory
A silver-tongued Statesman with a tragic Backstory, a wooden Leg, and more self-Awareness than is psychologically healthy. Writes like he’s narrating his own Biography.
Strengths
• Silver Tongue: Cannot roll below a 10 on Persuasion
• Word of Radiance: Sounds like light flirting
• Calm Emotions: Mostly self-applied
Weaknesses
• Women
• Pets and Farm Animals
• Romantic Idealism
Inventory
• The best Quips in the party
• An enchanted wooden Leg (Bludgeoning +2)
• Letters he regrets and Letters he really regrets
His Role in the Party
• Party Face
• Party Therapist
• Party Accountant
• Writes the political Manifesto of the Campaign to share
• Casts “Zone of Truth” on the Group’s emotional Issues
• Tries to pay the Inn fairly while Hamilton has already burned the Stables
Party Dynamic
(aka: Team overskilled, highly competent, and hyperfocussed yet get nothing done, aka: The Fellowship of “Please Stop, Alexander”)
Their abilities
• Genius-level INT
• Off-the-charts CHA
• Strong historical Knowledge Checks
• Zero survival Skills
• Zero Stealth
• Negative Party Cohesion
• Average Wisdom: 3
Their curse
They can solve any Puzzle, but never before Hamilton triggers the Trap.
Their real Curse
They forget the Main Quest immediately.
Not metaphorically. Mechanically.
The Party accepts the Quest, debates its philosophical Implications, drafts a 14-page Plan to execute it—
—and then never does.
Instead:
• Jefferson discovers a Side Quest about Agricultural Reform and disappears for three Sessions
• Hamilton picks up a random Encounter and turns it into a War Campaign
• Washington insists they should at least finish one Objective and ends up managing Logistics
• Morris negotiates Outcomes for Quests they have not technically started
By Session Three, no one remembers what the original Objective was.
By Session Ten, they have founded three overlapping Systems to manage the Consequences of not completing it.
The Dungeon Master stops preparing a Main Plot.
History calls this “Governance.”
How they “adventure”
The Plan (™)
Jefferson drafts a brilliant, beautifully illuminated Strategy the Night before.
Washington refines it, organizes Roles, and delivers an inspiring Mission Briefing.
Morris translates it into something other Humans can understand.
What happens at Dawn
Hamilton: “So… I took the Liberty of confronting the Dungeon Boss at 5 a.m. I insulted his Wife, challenged his Son to a Duel, and now we’re at War.”
Jefferson: screams in Enlightenment-era French
Washington: ages 14 Years
Morris: begins writing a diplomatic Apology Letter, for whom? No one knows.
What happens in Battle
Washington: “Hold the Line!”
Jefferson: “My Spell Components—where are my Spell Components—”
Hamilton vaults over a Table Screaming, Rapiers drawn
Morris tries Diplomacy for two Rounds before sighing, drawing a Pistol, and rolling a Crit
What happens in Taverns
Washington drinks one Beer and goes Home
Jefferson debates the Bartender
Hamilton starts a Brawl
Morris somehow ends up in the Backroom counseling the Owner through her Divorce
What happens during long Rests
Jefferson writes a 12-page Essay explaining why he shouldn’t have to do Chores
Hamilton stays up late drafting a Plan that no one asked for
Washington pretends to sleep but is actually keeping Watch over everyone
Morris journals: “Dear Self, today we nearly died because Alexander has Impulses.”
What happens at Level 20
They do not get better.
They get institutionalized.
Because at some point, even a Dungeon Master gives up trying to manage four high-level Characters who refuse to coordinate and instead writes Rules so they can’t destroy the World faster than it can reload.
So the Party does the only Thing it can do:
They invent a System where their worst Traits cancel each other out.
Washington becomes the permanent Tank with limited Turns.
Hamilton is given infinite Actions but constant Opposition.
Jefferson is allowed to write Spell Scrolls no one reads unless they accidentally become Law.
Morris edits the entire Campaign mid-session and pretends it was always like this.
They call it:
The Constitution (Campaign Version)
• A Document designed to survive Hamilton having Initiative
• Written so Jefferson can theorize without immediate Consequence
• Structured so Washington can leave the Table without everything collapsing
• Worded so Morris can fix it later without anyone noticing
The real Mechanic
No single Player is allowed to win.
Every Strength triggers another Player’s Reaction.
Every Action creates Resistance.
Every brilliant Move is countered by someone equally convinced they’re right.
Not because they planned it that Way—
—but because none of them would ever trust the others enough to do otherwise.
Final Assessment of the Party
• Overpowered
• Unstable
• Impossible to manage
• Accidentally functional
DM Notes
Party constantly argues about Alignment.
No Consensus reached.
Campaign continues indefinitely.
No one agrees on the Ending.
Everyone insists it was their Idea…